feeling lost

today was another bad day...they all seem to be that way these days....work is what seems to get me down. well after work i called the base, i have been having trouble finding the right insurance people with the right prices...it just seems like i have to put a lot of money down and then the payments are higher than what i expected ( for liability for my tumbling classes ) well i am going to start teaching first week of june if all goes right. i applied for a job on base as well. it is as a school aged instructor assistant for the youth center....not sure what i do exactly but i know i take them on field trips three times a week and they said they would work around my dance classes and stuff. the pay is better than what i make now and will be even better six months after i am there. its not a for sure thing, but i put my application in on wednesday and the lady i am working with about the dance stuff asked me today on the phone if i could come in monday for an interview. things are looking up in that aspect.

sometimes i feel like i never can do anything right, or i am not a good enough wife. as much as i try to be the perfect wife i always fall really really short.....the house seems like i clean it and then it becomes a mess ( it doesn't help that josh and i are working different shifts and we are both exhausted) but today especially i just feel like i am never going to be good enough for josh. he has never said it and tells me that he appreciates everything that i do, but i know its not enough. i wish i could be like my mom...i swear she was like wonder woman...house was always clean, dinner always prepared and she worked harder than anyone i have ever known. kinda hard to live up to those kind of standards. today is just a down day for me...every now and then being so far away from home and family just gets to me. i feel like i hold all of my emotions in and then a day like today comes and everything falls apart. all the emotions i have been holding in just come tumbling out in a fight with josh over something i did wrong. the tears start coming and wont stop. i hate that i feel like my heart is being pulled from my chest because i miss my family and i hate not being there for them during special times in their lives. i hate that i was not there to throw amber an amazing baby shower or help her with anything she needed. i hate that i don't get to see all my nieces and nephews, and hang out with my dad cause i know he needs to be around one of his favorite daughters. and i really miss my mom.....she is one of my best friends and i hate not being able to cry on her shoulder and have her hug me and tell me everything will be ok.....on a somewhat happier note because i know this is a pretty unhappy blog.....josh and i went with some friends target shooting last sunday, it was a lot of fun and i have not done it in forever. dad you will be proud to know that your teaching paid off and i kicked butt :) i got pictures and i will put them up soon. i miss you guys...and love you so much